It's been ages.

Life as i know it has been completely turned upside down. It's finally starting to become as normal as it used to be........ SLOWLY

Seems that bad things just keep happening in my life at the moment, and I'm finally beginning to realise there is light at the end of this tunnel (though it seems to be a long fucking tunnel)

Once again, I'm up late home alone while the boy is out working his ass off (ahhh but what a cute one it is!) Ok, so he's not exactly working right now, he just called to tell me he has finished for the night, so i talked him into getting a taxi home instead of having to sit around the city until 7am when the first train leaves. But of course being a guy he's apparently starving to death so is stopping by Maccas, calling to ask if i needed anything from there. Who NEEDS things from maccas? ok, people WANT to eat that crap but do they really NEED it? Ugh of course i said no, nothing worse then chowing down on a McGrease burger sober.

I lost a cousin to suicide in November last year. The first real death i have ever had to deal with. Tuesday i went to his grave for the first time ever. I realise now after being there that i was in complete denial about his death. So it seems like I'm having a delayed reaction. only now that i have been to the grave site and seen his headstone with his photo on it (photos on headstones really seem to creep me out for some reason lol) anyway, only now that i have been there does it all seem so fucking final and real to me.

Suicide is a pretty untalked about thing, when people ask how my cousin died and i say he killed himself, most people are shocked and either scurry away faster then their legs can carry them, or clam up completely and don't know what to say. It shits me to tears that people see it as such a taboo subject. I think it's about fucking time that this world sat up and opened their eyes to the reality of this world. instead of sweeping things under a rug and pretending life is all fucking sunshine and flowers.

Someone told my Aunty (my cousins mother) that suicide is a selfish thing. I'm glad they didn't say that in front of me because i would have hit the fucking roof. unless someone has been so completely depressed themselves they will never realise that people who attempt suicide, or succeed in suicide are not fucking selfish at all. When you are so low down that death feels like the only option, you are SICK. Depression is a sickness for crying out loud. as i was saying, when you are so low that you feel like you can't bear to take another breath. you are not thinking of anything or anyone else. you don't think of the impact your death will have on friends and family, all you can concentrate on is the complete and utter anguish and agony you are feeling. So suicide is not a selfish thing.

*hops off soap box*

See, told you things have been falling apart for me

I have recently been to the doctor for a pregnancy test, which came back inconclusive, which my Dr tells me means i probably was pregnant (3 days after the test i had the period from hell, 9 weeks late.) which my doctor thinks may have been a misscarriage. i had another blood test but naughty me, i haven't been back to get the results yet. With all the shit going on i'm not sure that i could really deal with whatever the test says.

The boy and i have had a few ups and downs, seems like with all the stress happening at the moment we were just baiting each other into arguments. The worst argument was when he was working away interstate last weekend and the asshat hung up the phone on me. I'm not usually one to cry, but i was sobbing after he hung up the phone. (ok so he called me back a few minutes later and we sorted shit out) But i very nearly ended the entire relationship with him that night. What's the point in staying together if all we do is argue?

Tuesday night we finally had the time to sit down and work through our issues. and now that the communication lines are opened things have so far been 100% better. I realise now after i almost kicked him out that that would have been a bad idea. i truly love him. I have thought i was in love in past relationships, but now I'm with The Boy, i know i never really have loved anyone the way i love him.

Fuck! I've rambled a lot of shit here so I'm gonna sign off and go read my Cleo mag before The Boy gets home and tells me I'm reading rubbish lol

casino, dickhead drivers, and shopping

The boy had his first weekend night off in AGES. We were going to just stay at home and spend some time together watching movies and playing monopoly. But friends of ours called up and asked if we wanted to go to the casino with them at midnight when it opened. I have never actually stepped foot into the casino, and we had some extra money left this week so The boy decided it would be fun for a while.

I am 26 this year and never once stepped foot into the casino. sad really lol. I honestly don't find gambling all that interesting, my opinion is that chances of winning are fairly slim, i might as well chuck my money in the bin. but i figured i would go along, it gets me out of the house and could be fun. and i really wanted to see the inside of the casino. (by the way half of it was closed off anyway so it wasn't all that great)

We got to the casino and looked around, watched people playing black jack, The boy was slugged 9 bucks for a small glass of JD and coke, which i tasted and either my taste buds are fucked up or there was something not right with the drink. it tasted disgusting, and i usually like JD. anyway, spent a couple of hours at the casino, at about 2am we were ready to leave

We were all starving by this time and drove to maccas. acted like a bunch of teenagers in there (sad when the boy is 30 and the rest of us are aged between 25-26)

driving home on the main road, we're all sitting in the car talking and laughing and just pretty much enjoying the company and the time spent together when the driver looks in the mirror and crouches down a little in his seat screaming like a girl ( as scary as this was i find it hilarious now) My friend (his wife) and i were yelling at him trying to ask him what the fuck was wrong when The boy turns around in his seat and his face went white.......seconds later two cars which were drag racing are right behind us, one overtook us on the left REALLY close doing about 150, the second car came up on our right (totally illegal for starters) but there was no road there so the fucktard pretty much pushed us over into the lane of the other car. thank god the driver crouched down and didn't decide to start swerving to avoid either car or i probably wouldn't be here to type this up.

we ended up losing control and drove into a ditch., car was fine no one was hurt but it was fucking scary.

got home at about 4am, woke up at 11 to go shopping as we really needed food in this house. basically all we had in the cupboards was flour and sugar, and a shit load of coke in the fridge.

Got to the shopping centre and it was REALLY crowded. the shops are only going to be shut for two fucking days, but people were buying stuff like the world was about to end. people standing in the middle of aisles, people getting in other peoples way, pushing, swearing etc etc. i usually am a pretty calm shopper but after standing behind some stupid bitch lady blocking the middle of the aisle while she was talking on her phone and talking to her friend, and having people backed up behind us so we couldn't turn around, and after me repeatedly saying excuse me, i said loudly for fuck sake lady move, and shoved her trolley out my way, got a dirty look from her and a round of applause from everyone standing behind me.

so i have decided i am never fucking shopping the day before public holidays again

feeling rather blah

Watching centre stage on TV, the acting is fucking terrible how this movie became so big is beyond me.

The boy is at work again, so i went out for dinner with my mum and step dad. was pretty good, although i wish The Boy was there. barely seen him in over a week because of work, and when he is home, he's asleep getting ready for the next shift. God i hate night shift with a passion. anyway, the food was good, the conversation......meh typical nagging mother style lol. but it was good to catch up with them it's been a little while since i really spent any more then 10 minutes with them.

Lately i have been having some bizarre dreams, mostly about me either being pregnant, or having a new born baby. though the freakiest was last night. My cousin killed himself in November. we were extremely close growing up but from about the age of 18 we barely saw each other due to our lives going in completely seperate directions. anyway, last night i had a dream and he was in it. He apologised for us barely being in contact before he died, and told me that no matter what i was still his favourite cousin (same age grew up practically living in each other pockets) and that he was sorry for causing me so much heartache over his death, that he was happy and he loved me. then proceeded to tell me i would have a boy.

i woke up feeling completely at peace about his death, knowing that he felt it was the only option for him and feeling like he was finally happy with himself and his surroundings. i still miss him like crazy.

but now I'm totally confused, was it a dream? Or was it him really coming to me through my dream? and wtf is up with the whole "you will have a boy" thing?

i think maybe it is my subconscious playing a joke on me because of the whole late period thing, but at the same time i want to think its true because at least now i know he is at peace.

The part that is freaking me out the most though, is that i tend to have a lot of my dreams come true, Don't get me wrong i don't think i am psychic or whatever, although i think i believe in that stuff, it's just a bit strange that things i dream about come true.

i have so much house work to do, and i have no motivation what so ever to do it. i started to rearrange my entire house, got halfway through it and gave up, so our matress is on the loungeroom floor, half our bedroom suite is in the hallway, clothes are strewn from one end of the house to the other. (i decided to move our bedroom into the front room) and there is paper work all over the table and on the floor too. Why is it that i get a burst of energy, get halfway though something, take a break and never want to finish it? maybe i should learn not to stop halfway though, that way it will all be done, and i wont feel like a lazy cow sitting in a mess.

Isn't summer supposed to be over?

fucking 43 degrees outside under my patio today, I love summer but come on this is fucking crazy.

The boy has been working extra hours this week, which means come thursday i have extra spending money. Although i barely see him as it is so with the extra hours he has been working it makes me wonder if the money is worth the time apart. Oh well, only a couple more months and he will be moved to armed guarding (ack! the boy with a gun is a fucking scary thought) and will be working only days, instead of only nights. Can't wait!

I have been so sick lately, if i am not sleepimg i am complaining i am tired. Every waking minute i am feeling like i am going to vomit everywhere, my stupid period is a week and a half late, now i am NEVER late. I h ave taken two pregnancy tests, and both were negative, so what the fuck is going on with my body?

It's been too hot to really do anything interesting, and even if it wasn't i'm too sick to bother going out. The boy dragged me to the shops yesterday and bought me the simpsons game for the playstation. (i barely play the damn playstation, so i think this is him trying to get me more involved in things he loves) and i must say, this game is addictive, and pissing me off all at the same time. stupid bart and lisa simpson lol.

going to be fucking hot again tomorrow, though i might drag my fat ass down to the beach (woohoo a bus, a train and a tram god i need to get my license) and go for a run.

Things about me.

Things about me

1. I am the moodiest person i know
2. I hate mornings. more so then most "normal" people
3. I hate the word normal. who the fuck determines what
is normal anyway?
4. I am an avid reader. if the book is interesting, i will read it
all in one sitting, stopping only to pee
5. I always steal those little alcohol swabs from hospitals.
i have no idea why i do it but whenever i am in a hospital i
just have to take a few.
6. I don't believe in love at first sight, i believe it is always only lust at first sight.
7. I am afraid of the dark
8. I have a fear of looking out of windows at night time
9. I hate being home alone all night. which happens a lot with my boyfriends work.
10. I know my boyfriend better then i know myself.
11. I suffer with post traumatic stress disorder. i try not to let it run my life, yet it still does.
12. I am scared of calling people on the phone that i don't know (how the hell did i last 3 years as a receptionist??!)
13. I was the one who set all the mice in high school biology free because i thought it was cruel to keep them caged up and study them. I let my cousin take the blame.
14. I had never suffered the grief of losing someone close to me until November last year.
15. I went o my first funeral last year and hope to never attend one again
16. I have a fear of dead things. be that fish, animal or human.
17. I have a fear of my boyfriend cheating on me, although i believe he wont i have been hurt in the past so i am over protective when it comes to him.
18. I have a deep set hatred for my body, yet am not motivated enough to do anything about it.
19. Gyms freak me out, i believe if i stepped foot in one i would be like an elephant walking into a room full of gorgeous skinny people.
20. I am an expert when it comes to cooking, but usually only cook quick easy things.
21. I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years. we lived together. i still believe if i was to see her to this day i would beg her to take me back. although i love my boy to bits.
22. I fear i am infertile, yet have no real reason why i should think i am.
23. All i want in this world is to be a mother, a wife and to look after my family.
24. I love to people watch. i love to sit in the middle of Rundle Mall in the city and watch people, i like to make up stories about them.
25. I am extremely loud! i like to be the centre of attention.
26. My favourite colour is Pink. it's almost an obsession
27. I cry at anything, including maccas commercials.
28. I can not drink a cup of tea made by any one else. No one else makes it exactly how i like it. except for my cousin Jen. she makes it perfectly, and is the only person i will allow to make me tea.
29. I hate hot coffee, yet love iced coffee.
30. As a teenager, i hated carrots so much that i pretended i was allergic to them so i wouldn't have to eat them if i was at someone Else's house.
31. I suffer from a slight case of OCD. i have to do everything in 4's.
32. I HATE odd numbers. my boy thinks it is hilarious to put the TV volume up to an odd number then pin me down so i can't make it even. it pisses me off.
33. I have never had an orgasm. I fake it all the time, my boyfriend didn't believe me when i told him in the middle of an argument. i continue to fake it because i don't want to hurt him.
34. I only like granny smith apples, i hate any other type
35. When eating something like a sandwich or a biscuit etc, i eat it evenly into a square shape, nibbling it as i go.
36. I have run out of things to say at the moment but due to my crazy fear/hatred of Odd numbers i couldn't end this on one.

i'm home

but i wish i wasn't! i love sydney. one night there was just not enough!

flight in was uneventful, i've been to sydney quite a few times now and NEVER got lost........got the train into central station from the airport.......and i get fucking lost! and the place iw as staying at is right next to the station, but inside that place is like a fucking maze (granted every other time i've been through central i have been with friends) this time i was alone, i ended up asking a hottie in a business suit for directions to get the hell out of there lol, and he walked me all the way to my hostel. who said people in sydney are rude? lol.

backpackers hostels......only fucking accom i could get due to the massive number of people staying in sydney for mardi gras. i always thought of these places as sleezy cockroach infestations. but the central YHA is actually really fairly nice, and the people you meet there are great.

i went to the event i went to, and came back exhausted with sore feet from new heels, but while sitting in the dining room having a coffee got talked into going to a pub at the casino by a group of english and american tourists. had an AMAZING night, although had no sleep at all. danced the night away. stumbled into hungry jacks on george street at about 4am then sat around until 9 where we headed off for breakfast and was escorted to the airport by two very goodloking canadians.

flights were delayed and cancelled due to storms, thankg od mine was only delayed for an hour, because everywhere for accom was booked out, i would have had to have crashed in the room of one of the sexy english people (not that i would have minded but im sure the boy would have lol)

flight home was full of turbulance, i swear we were going to die.

got home to find the boy waiting for me with huge smiles. and although i was exhaused (2 hours sleep in 48 hours, still probably drunk and with blisters the size of golf balls on my feet) we went out for dinner and i fell asleep at about 9pm, slept right through until 4pm today!

so theres a short update on my sydney trip

i so wish i were back there :(

ack

i can assure you there will be a shit load of blogger fodder for me shortly

my evil friendand her wanker asshole moody prick of a husband and HER 5 year old (i say hers because he shits me to tears with the way he acts like the kid is his when it fucking isnt ) are moving in with The boy and i for 3 weeks.....

i HATE HATE HATE her husband, hes a cranky, moody fucktard who i just want to kick in the balls so hard he wont EVER reproduce

so yeah, im a sucker who said they could move in here because i didnt want to see their kid without a home.....