It's been ages.

Life as i know it has been completely turned upside down. It's finally starting to become as normal as it used to be........ SLOWLY

Seems that bad things just keep happening in my life at the moment, and I'm finally beginning to realise there is light at the end of this tunnel (though it seems to be a long fucking tunnel)

Once again, I'm up late home alone while the boy is out working his ass off (ahhh but what a cute one it is!) Ok, so he's not exactly working right now, he just called to tell me he has finished for the night, so i talked him into getting a taxi home instead of having to sit around the city until 7am when the first train leaves. But of course being a guy he's apparently starving to death so is stopping by Maccas, calling to ask if i needed anything from there. Who NEEDS things from maccas? ok, people WANT to eat that crap but do they really NEED it? Ugh of course i said no, nothing worse then chowing down on a McGrease burger sober.

I lost a cousin to suicide in November last year. The first real death i have ever had to deal with. Tuesday i went to his grave for the first time ever. I realise now after being there that i was in complete denial about his death. So it seems like I'm having a delayed reaction. only now that i have been to the grave site and seen his headstone with his photo on it (photos on headstones really seem to creep me out for some reason lol) anyway, only now that i have been there does it all seem so fucking final and real to me.

Suicide is a pretty untalked about thing, when people ask how my cousin died and i say he killed himself, most people are shocked and either scurry away faster then their legs can carry them, or clam up completely and don't know what to say. It shits me to tears that people see it as such a taboo subject. I think it's about fucking time that this world sat up and opened their eyes to the reality of this world. instead of sweeping things under a rug and pretending life is all fucking sunshine and flowers.

Someone told my Aunty (my cousins mother) that suicide is a selfish thing. I'm glad they didn't say that in front of me because i would have hit the fucking roof. unless someone has been so completely depressed themselves they will never realise that people who attempt suicide, or succeed in suicide are not fucking selfish at all. When you are so low down that death feels like the only option, you are SICK. Depression is a sickness for crying out loud. as i was saying, when you are so low that you feel like you can't bear to take another breath. you are not thinking of anything or anyone else. you don't think of the impact your death will have on friends and family, all you can concentrate on is the complete and utter anguish and agony you are feeling. So suicide is not a selfish thing.

*hops off soap box*

See, told you things have been falling apart for me

I have recently been to the doctor for a pregnancy test, which came back inconclusive, which my Dr tells me means i probably was pregnant (3 days after the test i had the period from hell, 9 weeks late.) which my doctor thinks may have been a misscarriage. i had another blood test but naughty me, i haven't been back to get the results yet. With all the shit going on i'm not sure that i could really deal with whatever the test says.

The boy and i have had a few ups and downs, seems like with all the stress happening at the moment we were just baiting each other into arguments. The worst argument was when he was working away interstate last weekend and the asshat hung up the phone on me. I'm not usually one to cry, but i was sobbing after he hung up the phone. (ok so he called me back a few minutes later and we sorted shit out) But i very nearly ended the entire relationship with him that night. What's the point in staying together if all we do is argue?

Tuesday night we finally had the time to sit down and work through our issues. and now that the communication lines are opened things have so far been 100% better. I realise now after i almost kicked him out that that would have been a bad idea. i truly love him. I have thought i was in love in past relationships, but now I'm with The Boy, i know i never really have loved anyone the way i love him.

Fuck! I've rambled a lot of shit here so I'm gonna sign off and go read my Cleo mag before The Boy gets home and tells me I'm reading rubbish lol